If I would be your wife - I would be poisoning you!
If I would be your husband - I would gladly drink this poison!
-Dear, do you know what doctor told me?
-Well... this... well, whatever we thought it was an orgasm, is not an orgasm, but asthma.
We all live thru three stages
1. When we believe in Santa
2. When we no longer believe in Santa
3. When we are becoming Santa ourselves.
Men run after woman not to catch her, but to prove to her that he still could run.
Husband returns home late at night from casino...
- Dear, I lost everything! - Now we need to be on strict budget... The only way to survive is - you need to learn how to cook... and then we could lay off our chef.
-Dear, if you would learn how to make love - we could lay off our landscaper!
- What is the difference between bride and a wife?
- Just 40-50 pounds!
-How do you call woman, who always knows where her husband is?
- A widow!
Husband returns home very late... Wife yells; 'Where you been jerk?
- I spent evening at Jon's house... if you don't believe, just call him!
Wife decides to check and calling Jon:
- 'Hello, Jon! Listen, did you see my husband today?"
- "Of course! I am not just seen him, he still is here!"
Some people got married to stupid woman first, and then they complain that they need to take care of stupid kids!
Middle age man came to church and asked: "Father, I need your advice... I have five kids... what should I do not to have another kid?
- Father: "Drink lemonade."
- Man: "Before or after?"
- Father: "Instead!"
How women in different countries react, when their husbands catch them with another man?
- French woman: "Pier! Join us it is so good!"
- Russian woman: "Ivan! Hit me! Just don't destroy my perm, I just came from hair salon!"
- Israel woman: "Myron! It is you! But who is him?
Wife spent whole day in the kitchen cooking in anticipation of guests
- Husband in underwear spent whole day on the sofa reading newspaper.
- Wife: "Bobby, please dress up! Guests are coming!
- Nope! Let them see how thin I am, that you don't feed me!
- Good, good! Take off your underwear! Let them see what I should feed you for!
What is your opinion, why God created a man first and a woman second?
- Because he did not need to have an advisor!
You are married for so long... Did you ever thought about divorce?
- About divorce? - Never! But about suicide - every day!!
Two friends strolling the street and suddenly they see two beautiful and very familiar women
One man addresses another:
On a left is my wife and on the right - my mistress.
Another man replies:
Wait, wait! On the right is my wife and on the left - my mistress!
They stopped, looked at each other and after long pause both noted: "So, when they want - they really can make love!!! "
During wedding little girl asked: "Granny, why bride is all in white?"
- "Well, because it is her happiest day in her life!"
- "Then why a groom all in black?"
"Dear! You are the best woman in the world! Yesterday I had another proof of it!"
- Husband: "Dear, why you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
- Wife: "Dear, but you do not allow me to call you at work".
- Mommy, Daddy! Our neighbors Carlson's have a golden toilet.
Wondering parents decided to verify themselves and decided to visit Carlson's.
"How are you? is there anything new?"
"No, all same old. Except one thing... your Jimmy pie in our golden saxophone!"
- "Mommy, what cranes are doing after brining babies?"
- "Not much, turning his back and fall asleep"
"Dear, what type of women you prefer?" - Very tenderly wife asks her husband.-"Smart or beautiful?"
"Neither "- reply husband
"I chosen you!"
Woman came to pharmacy and asked pharmacist to sell her a poison. Pharmacist refuses to sell. Then woman takes out her wallet a photograph of a naked woman and naked man in compromise position and shows this photo to a pharmacist. After short silence, recognizing his wife, pharmacist responds:" Well, madam if you have a prescription..."
"Where is your wife?"
"How much you planning to receive for her?"